The Unseen Side of a Hero- June 26, 2014

Life is unfigureoutable.

So, why is it that I am still trying to figure it out?

They were so young.

I really miss Keegs and Lemur. A lot.

It's not that I love them more or less.

I think they were just the most shocking to me.

They still had a whole lot of living to do.

Sometimes, I feel really cheated. Which is probably not the best way to feel.

But I'm beginning to understand that it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or if it's right.

It's how I feel.

It just is what it is.

It was during that year that I was gone that they both began to really grow. When I left, they were just kids.

Well.

When they died, they were just kids...

I went to my home ward at church to attend a missionary farewell. I got there a little late. They were passing the sacrament.

Liam's best friend came out. Holding the tray.

For some reason, it just hit me hard.

Really hard.

I went outside.

Liam never even got that opportunity.

I cried a little.

Then, I was frustrated at myself for crying.

FINISH!!

I'm never going to understand this.

When will I just accept that?

It hurts not knowing.

Today.

Is.

Not.

A.

Good.

Day.

Today.

Is.

Hard.

Why.

Is.

It.

So.

Hard?

Why.

Are.

They.

Not.

Here?

Why.

Are.

They.

Gone?

All.

Of.

Them.

Even.

Ian.

No, he's not dead.

But he's not here.

They

   should

     not

      be

       gone.

Why

  am

   I

   still

    here?

I

should

  have

    been

      gone

        a

         long

           time

             ago.

               But

                 I'm

                   still

                     here.

                       WHY...

...

Today, I've got nothing.

No words of advice.

No words of encouragement.

No words of hope.

Today, I just can't give it.

Today, I need it.

Today, I just need to write it out.

Get it out.

...

When the day is done,

And the cape comes off,

And the crowd is gone,

Is this what it's like

For the Hero?