Sometimes, it's New- May 10, 2014

It's everywhere.

"Buy the best jewelry that she deserves for Mother's Day."

"My mom is the BEST! #bestfriend #mothersday #bestmomeva!"

"Happy Mother's Day, Mom! You are the best! Don't know where I'd be without you!

"Happy Mother's Day!"

...

Happy Mother's Day, Mom...

**A conversation between a cashier girl and an customer**

Cashier girl: "Happy Mother's Day!"

Customer: "Are you a mother yourself?"

Cashier girl: "Nope, not yet. Someday, maybe."

Customer: "Oh well, then you make sure to enjoy your mother tomorrow. She'd love it!"

...

I knew that this month would be hard. Never really realized how hard HARD is. I never really knew what a real broken heart is.

It's like a mountain. A mountain of feelings and emotions, that have been eroded by the conditions of constant questions such as "How are you doing?" and "What are your plans?" and "Are you taken car of?" and thrown about situations. It's built upon a foundation, which, thankfully, is firm due to a year of nourishment and preparedness, but it still has it's slides. It keeps getting built upon. Smashed upon. Heavier and heavier.  

Take a trip with me.

Sometimes, you fake a smile, like when you're the cute little cashier girl that is not suppose to get upset at the customer, even when that customer is blaming you for not making their favorite soup that day, or you forgot the mustard on their sandwich, and now, that whole order is ruined. Oh, how you want to caustically bite back and say, "At least your kid still alive! You don't even have to worry about them without you in his life!" Refrain.

Sometimes, you listen to the recording of your dad's voice on the fire alarm. (Being hard of hearing has it's pros and cons I suppose.) You listen to him say, "There's a fire. Go out the window. Wake up. There's a fire. Go out your window." Why, oh why, could you not have an alarm for the poisonous gas the slowly, quietly, almost politely, took away your last breath, just hours before email day? Let the tears out. You've been holding them all day anyways.

Sometimes, you're totally fine. Nothing goes wrong. Things are ok. The sun is shining. Wear shorts. Cut your hair. Change is good. Put it up. Customers are very sweet today, even the sympathetic ones that recognize you, regardless of your new bangs and slightly straighter hair. They ask the famous question... "How are you doing?" And you can't help but laugh inside, because you know that interpretative dancing would be a whole heck of a lot funnier than answering with the lie, "I'm good." Or sometimes, you just flat out tell the truth. "Meh, it's one of those days."... "That's a bad day to ask that question." ... *Stare*

Yes. Sometimes those days happen. That's normal.

Then, sometimes, you have those special days that remind you an extra bunch.

Days like Mother's Day. 

And there is no pretense. Everything is multiplied by some.

The happy is creepy. The anger is extreme. The sadness is depressing. The numbness almost hurts.

And the questions.

So many.

Most particularly, the "Whys."

So. You pray. A lot. Sometimes, you don't even realize it, but you are as you are driving to work. Sometimes, you're with your friends and family, and you can't handle the chaos, and you pray in your mind. Sometimes, it's even out loud, and people look at you like you're crazy. Ignore them.

Because what it comes down to, is that it doesn't matter what other people think. It doesn't matter if they feel that you broke a promise for not going back out on your mission. It doesn't matter if people don't understand why you aren't the same as you were. It doesn't matter how many times they say, "I feel ya." It doesn't matter if they think one way. They aren't you. They don't know.

So, you talk to the one person who does. You listen to his promptings. You do what he says. Even when it doesn't seem like the norm. 

Since when has He done "The Norm" anyways?  

Your normal is different. Your normal has changed. Your normal is new.

So, this Mother's day will be different. And Father's day. As will all the Christmases and New Years.

But the doesn't mean it's bad. Or terrible. Just new.

So, Mom, I say, Happy Mother's Day!

My mom is the best! #bestfriend #mothersday #bestmomeva!

Happy Mother's Day. You are the best...

And I don't know who I'd be without you.

Happy Mother's Day.