How to be a Supporter to a Griever: Some Do's and Don'ts when your loved one is Grieving

You may have been there- you found out that your friend, cousin, or even a co-worker or acquaintance has lost somebody that they loved. They may have passed away unexpectedly, causing complete shock and their foundation to crack and break beneath them. Maybe it was a tiring journey, like an illness, that they had been trudging through for months or even years, but the pain is no different.

You ache for them. You cry with them and for them. You wonder what you can do to help them through this tragic chapter in their lives. You buy them their favorite drinks, get them “Thinking of you” cards, or get them a basket of goodies. But you know deep down that it doesn’t take away the pain.

Whatever the unique situation is for you or for the person you know is going through this, there are some Do’s and Don’ts that we as the supporter should all be aware of. As someone who has been on both sides of the scenarios, I hope to share with you some things that were helpful for me as well as things that other’s have told me were helpful for them.

Let’s start with the DON’Ts.

1. DON’T ALWAYS BRING IT UP/ TALK ABOUT IT

I get it. Sometimes we want to know how they are doing. They smile and talk like everything is okay, but underneath it all, we know they are not, especially during those first few months. But bringing it up is not the way to handle it.

When my parents and brothers first passed away, I didn’t always want to talk about it. Sometimes, I just wanted to live life as best as I could without having to think about the struggles and pain that I was dealing with internally. But when someone brought it up when I wasn’t ready to talk about it, it was like being plunged down a tornado of depression and anxiety that swallowed me up. As someone who has been "the griever," I can say that is not a pleasant experience, especially in a public setting where we may feel pressured and expected to put on a happy face.

Please understand, I am not talking about sharing stories about their loved ones. That's invaluable! Rather, I am talking about the grief itself- no wants to reminded of their pains by comments such as, "I don't know how you do it- you are so strong," or even simply bringing up the fact that they are missing when there is no need to bring it up.

You can support someone struggling with grief by being a listening ear.

INSTEAD…

DO LISTEN

The only time it may be appropriate to talk about the loss is when the person going through the grief process brings it up. That means they want to talk about it, and trust you enough to open up to you. When this happens, be courteous and listen (which will come up later in the post).

2. DON’T TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER BY UNDERMINING THE HURT WITH POSITIVITY

Maybe it’s just a natural response when we don’t know what to say or do, but a lot of times, we try to sugar coat hard and sucky situations with positivity. What I mean by this is saying things like, “At least she is in a better place,” or “there is a purpose for this pain.”

While these sayings are true (or at least I believe so,) sometimes that’s not what people who are dealing with grief want to hear. Maybe their loved one is no longer in pain, but the fact of the matter is, the person dealing with the grief process is in pain, and that is who we as the supporter need to remember and focus on.

INSTEAD…

DO VALIDATE AND SUPPORT

Honestly, sometimes they don’t to hear anything, but rather, they just want to be validated in their feelings. When they say, “Today sucks because I miss my person,” a response like, “Ya, man, that really sucks! How can I help you today?” Or even, “Let’s go break some plates and eat some chocolates!” can be helpful, too.

3. DON’T GIVE A TIMELINE FOR THEM TO “GET OVER THE PAIN”

… Not overnight, not in a year, not ten years… because people who experience loss will never “get over it.”

I hate the term “move on.” After I lost my parents and brothers, I realized that there was no way I would “move on” from the pain. Moving on is impossible. In my mind, it’s an image of forcing someone to carry a boulder, and when they were tired of holding it, they simply put it down and move on with life.

For those who have experienced losing a loved one, that burden isn’t one that you can simply put down.

Instead, I like the term “moving forward.” When someone has a huge burden (in this case, losing a loved one), it’s like being forced to carry a boulder on your back. You are always tired, fatigued, you cry a lot, and yet, we still have to continue going on through life. As life goes on and you carry that burden, you become stronger- the feeling is still there, but you are able to cope better and continue on through life.

INSTEAD…

SUPPORT AND TALK

You can help by simply being there. You can help by being that listening ear. You can help when they ask for your help. Help them lift that weight, or burden, they feel.

4. DON’T TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT OR TRY TO “FIX IT”

This goes along with sugarcoating the tragedy with positivity. If someone is venting to you or crying because of the grief they are experiencing, they are not asking you to fix it. That’s impossible. So, refrain from changing the subject to get their mind off of things or try to make them do something, like go to a store or park or watch a movie, until they are done releasing all of those constrained feelings.

INSTEAD…

HAVE PATIENCE

Let them talk. Let them cry. Put your arm around them and hug them when they come to you.

5. DON’T ACT DIFFERENTLY OR TREAT THEM DIFFERENTLY

Nothing is worst than knowing that your friends don’t know how to treat you because of what has happened to you. They may not know what to talk about or they may not know how to approach you.

INSTEAD

KEEP INVITING THEM TO DO THINGS

Play the games you used to play. Watch the movies you used to watch. Tell them what’s going on in your life when they are around. Invite them to the activities, knowing that they may decline. Heck, they may decline the first 20 times! But still do it, because it sends them the message that they are not forgotten and that they are still being thought of. It sends the message that they have support and they have friends.

My friends were some of my greatest support during my grief process.

IN CONCLUSION…

Be the friend that you would want when you experience hard things.

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