Little Bit of Chaos- March 9, 2014

My home is a disaster. (Mom would not be happy with me right now...) Letters, cards and packages from a variety of caring people, wanting to do anything that they can to help. A basketball signed by the BYU Provo basketball team. Things that have been gathered, sitting in the living room, waiting for voyage to D.I. Things that I want to save. Chocolates. Clothes.

Chaos. A little bit how I feel about life.

These past two weeks have been the slowest and yet the fastest that I've ever experienced in my life.

There are 5 steps in the grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Simple. Yet complicated. Or, my favorite word... Unfigureoutable. Why? Because we all grieve differently. Some people take control of the situation. Some people handle things well. If you're like me, you go on "shut-down, don't talk to me" mode.

Which may not be the best way to handle a funeral. Because I wanted nothing more than to just run away from the world and hide.

But, who's going to leave a young grieving woman and her brother alone, when they just lost their mother, father, and two brothers?

(Dang, why were you four so dang POPULAR?)

There's something about funerals that makes everyone come out of hiding, so that they can tell you how much they love you.

Condolences comes in many forms:

"I played basketball with your dad. He was the greatest!"

"Keegan was so sweet! He was going to be my first date!" (Ya... You and 20 others...)

"You're mom could make anyone laugh. I will miss her."

"Liam was going to pass the sacrament that Sunday, right? Well, at least he is in a happier place!"

Or, my favorite...

"Is there ANYTHING that we can do for you?"

Which, at that time, I think it is fair to consider that 3 days before, I flew in,  to pick out 4 caskets just 4 hours later. I had to make more decisions in my life than I ever had before in my entire life. I had never really had a moment to myself. My brother and I had been interviewed for KPVI News Channel 6, which had spread virally all over Facebook. I had just seen my family for one of the last times. There was  one thing I really wanted to ask...

"Can you bring my family back?" 

That is all I need right now.

The viewing was crowded. The funeral was overflowing...

And yet, even being amidst all the people, both that I knew, and didn't know, and regardless that I and my brother were the "stars of the show," I've never felt so alone in my life...

Which, made me think of another person. He spent his last night eating dinner with 12 of his dearest friends, knowing that one of them would betray him just hours later. He spent his last night in a garden, suffering and pleading with his Father in Heaven, asking for an easier way to fulfill his divine responsibility while here on this earth, yet willing to accept his Father's will, while his friends slept just a bit away, because they were too tired to stay up. His last day was spent among a crowd, even bigger than the one I was experiencing, but instead of consoling him and telling him that everything would be ok, they mocked him, and spit on him, and placed a crown of thorns on his head. His last few moments was spent on a cross, nails in his hands, wrists, and feet... And even for a few moments,  his Father had to leave him... So that he could experience what it would be like to be UTTERLY, COMPLETELY alone...

And he did it, so that at this precise moment of my life, I WOULDN'T be alone.

And he did it, so that not only would I not be alone, but I would be with Mom, Dad, Keegan, and Liam, along with Ian, again. And we will be a family forever...

We already ARE a family forever.

And after I realized that... Things were ok for a little bit. Not all the way fixed. But for now, it was ok.

My house is chaos. I haven't cleaned it yet. But that's ok. Because this week, I'm going to start organizing. And I'll take it one day at a time. And maybe I'll ask some people to help. I can't do it all alone.

Life isn't so bad when the Savior is near.

5 blessings:

-My family is a forever family.

-So many people want to support my brother and I.

-The Atonement is real.

-I don't have to figure out everything right now this minute.

-Peace is real.