A New Normal- A Mother's Journal: Prologue- January 31, 2018

As I have said before, life is unfigureoutable.

No, I do not mean “unpredictable.” “Unfigureoutable” and “unpredictable” are two different things. You see, when you say something is “unpredictable,” you’re thinking about the future. You’re referring to not knowing what’s going to happen because unfortunately, we are not psychics who can avoid all the pains of life, or even prepare for all the great things in life. We just go with the flow and when the unpredictable things happen, we work with it.  

Which leads me to “unfigureoutable.” In my opinion, when life is “unfigureoutable,” we are living in the present. It can work with its cousin, Unpredictable, because when Unpredictable happen, Unfigureoutable tags along, and while we are trudging along with Unpredictable, we sometimes can’t figure out why things happen the way it happens in that moment. Why did this person act this way towards me? Why do I feel this way about this situation? Yes, we have science, yes we have psychology, but they can only answer so much. Sometimes life is just unpredictably unfigureoutable.

And life is FULL of unfigureoutableness. It’s full of curve balls and landslides, barriers and doorways, pathways and weeds, windows and doors.

If you have followed my previous blog, you know that I have shared a lot about my own “unfigureoutable” happenings. In 2014, while both I and my brother were serving LDS missions, my parents and brothers passed away in a carbon monoxide accident. Something completely unpredictable with a whole lot of unfigureoutableness. Throughout the last few years, I’ve experienced emotions that I didn’t even know existed, lost relationships that were dear to me, gained relationships that are treasures to me. I’ve experienced most of the “firsts.” I’ve gotten married. I’ve reestablished my place in life, and am still “working with it.” It may be a lifetime process, if I’m honest.

And guess what?

I STILL have those unfigureoutable moments.

And recently, I’ve experienced what may be the most unfigureoutable moment of my life! And that is the moment I realized that I was going to be… a mom.

It still shocks me when I say it. 

How do you explain what it's like when you realize that your body isn't entirely your own anymore, or how do you explain that feeling when you realize something alive is actually growing inside of you? And then to know that once that growing thing is ready, it will enter the world and you have to take care of it?

I'll tell you.

It TERRIFIES me.

And it's the most exciting thing! 

And if I'm honest, when I think about starting my own family without my mom and dad there to guide me, and without Keegan and Liam being involved in this new baby's life, well... it was sad.

But the thing is, that's not true. 

They WILL be.

Just in a different way. 

This new journey called Parenthood, and in my case, Motherhood, is going to be quite the experience.

It will be a new level of A New Normal.